I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
