Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
