No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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