Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
