he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
