this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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