we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
