i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
