Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize