I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
She's the barista slut.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize