I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
