I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
