why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
