I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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