god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
