I accidentally had phone sex last night
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
