pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
