I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
