he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Randomize
