i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
