I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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