my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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