dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Randomize
