I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
