youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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