I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
