My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Randomize
