I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
