So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
