yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
