I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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