Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
