I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
