How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
