If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
