i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
