I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
