Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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