you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
