got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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