Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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