The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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