remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
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