My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
