I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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