Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
