You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
