so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
