i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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