In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
