and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Randomize
