All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Randomize
