So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
