I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
