Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Randomize